Autism parenting: should I care what other people think or say?

The reality of living in the spotlight

Being a parent of an autistic child isn’t like being a parent of a neurotypical child. I felt the need to show I was saying “stop” or “calm down” or “behave yourself.”  I knew full well that it would not make a blind bit of difference to what my son was doing. “Ah no different to any other parent of a young child I hear you say”, but your son may not have, at the age of 8, been licking the handrail at the Trafford Shopping Centre at the time!

The world doesn’t always understand what’s going on, and that’s when the assumptions begin. And you know what, it’s not always just strangers who want to put in their 10 penny’s worth, my mum made some pretty scathing remarks about my ability to parent my son, and often commented on how I should ‘discipline’ him. 

I’ve been there - stood in line at the supermarket, my son wriggling and vocalizing loudly as he expresses distress. He was non-speaking, but his vocalising was loud, his body a bundle of energy and frustration as he darted from one place to another picking up everything in sight.  I’ve caught more than my fair share of judgmental looks; hey I’ve had teenagers give me disapproving looks! Even now as an adult when the two of us bring in the New Year together at a fancy bash, I get ‘the looks’. 

It’s easy to fall into the trap of worrying about what others think. You feel like the world is watching, waiting for you to “do something” to fix it. The people who stare and question, they don’t know what it takes for your child to be in that moment. They don’t know what you’ve been through to get to this point. And frankly, it’s none of their business.

Disruptive behaviour doesn’t equal bad parenting

One thing I want to be clear about is this: disruptive behaviour is not a reflection of your parenting. It’s not a sign that you’ve failed as a parent or that you haven’t tried everything possible to help your child thrive.

An individual may flap their hands, rock their body, or vocalize loudly when overwhelmed—and all of these reactions are a way of communicating or coping with the world. 

My child is not a reflection of my parenting skills. My child is a unique individual with their own set of needs.

Changing the narrative

It’s hard not to care what others think, especially when their opinions can feel so hurtful and personal. But here's something I’ve learned along the way: caring too much about what others think can take away from the energy you need to focus on your child’s wellbeing.

Of course we reflect on events and think could I have made that any better, maybe too often, but being stared at and pointed at is not nice. Oh yes of course I forgot to mention that ‘thick skin’ we tell people we have. ‘Ah it doesn’t bother me anymore when people stare, I’m used to it’, I’m sure you are, but it seldom stops it from hurting.

It’s time to shift the narrative. If someone stares or makes an offhand comment, that’s their problem, not mine. They don’t know my child’s backstory. They don’t understand how much work I’ve put into understanding my child’s needs, and they certainly don’t get the countless hours of therapy, planning, and effort that go into every single day of parenting.

The power of unity

There is nothing more empowering than a group of parents out and about with their autistic children. When I was with others it really felt like I was part of an army. An army of people who no longer noticed the stares of others, I recommend it at least once a month.  What is it they say? Find your tribe!

Conclusion: you are the expert

When it comes down to it, you are the expert on your child. You know their needs, their triggers, their quirks, and their strengths. And that’s more than enough. It’s not easy, but you don’t need anyone’s approval to know you’re doing the best you can.

So the next time someone looks at you or your child and you feel that pang of judgment, take a deep breath. Remember that your child’s journey is not defined by their behaviour in a single moment. You’re doing the best you can. And that’s all that matters.

Let them tut. Let them stare. Sod em, you have more important things to focus on.